A Feather Duster in the Nose, Day 107 in the Year of Achooo.
1. Malapropism Day.
It’s A Real Treat for Your Fears.
2. Take Q Meter Reading for Cult of Personality Application.
3. Fun Time for Me and My Dumb Brain
–Make Belgian Waffles,
–New Scalp Massage Lotion,
–Plan to Take Over The World.
The Way The Wind Wafts Off The Waste Management Plant, Day 106, The Year of Huff.
1. ‘Maybe I Should Take Up Jogging,’
–A Nation Responds.
2. It’s What’s For Supper.
(Larry The Cable Guy’s Instant Pork Rind Cracklins).
3. ‘So, Is It Rice or Dead Lice in That Powdered Wig,’
–A Question I Hope You’ll Never Have To Ask.
Good day to rewatch Four Lions.
Is It Day 105 in The Year of Fun Yet?
1. Fifth Person Passive Aggressive Day.
Did Your Dad Tell Sally to Tell You To Take the Laundry Out Yesterday?
2. Next Week’s SNL Musical Guest—DVR ‘Skip.’
3. Today’s Saddest Profession:
Door-to-Door Catheter Salesman.
Yes. Also, I don’t exist.
D1/05XYoF-2013, Section One of An Ongoing Series of Small Squirrel Sketches.
1. Paper Tiger Moms Against Whirlybird Dads For Peace Pipelines.
2. TGIM–Your Weekend Starts on Monday or You’re Not A Total Asshole About Everything.
3. Today’s Avoid List:
False Equivalency For Everyone or No One Gets Ice Cream.
Accept My Ultimatum or No One Gets Ice Cream.
What I’m Saying is I Ate All The Ice Cream.
So, Can You Get Me Ice Cream?
1. The Kickstand, My New Casual Motorcycle-Themed Pub-eatery Featuring Sexy, Shirtless Male Servers in Tiny Shorts. At The Mall.
2. Use The Fork, Luke.
Use The Fork.
(To Scratch Your Back)
3. Baby Day!
-Wear A Bib and Onesy!
-Poop Your Pants!
-Fall Asleep in the Car!
The Temperature At Which Carmel Camelizes, Day 102, The Humping Year.
1. “Today’s Land Lines Are Tomorrow’s Boat Anchors.”–Tagline to LandBoats, My Old Electronics Recycling Center.
2. Pretend Golf Is Actually Deep Day.
3. Competitive Freestyle Jarts.
Pop Culture Today: Hey, that Bates Motel is starting to come around.
On The 101, Comin’ At ‘Cha Low T-Style, Full Stop, D101 /YoF:
1. ‘Homosapien Like Me: Sexcapades With Hollywood’s Elite’ By Coco The Monkey. Foreword By Betty White.
2. Emily Litella Day.
“What’s All This I Hear About Sax and Violins on TV?” Etc.
3. Today’s Short List of What Will Financially Ruin Me:
–Winning the Lottery. (A Lot of Those Dudes Seem Messed Up)
Celebrating My 100th 100th Anniversary, D100 in The Year of Fun.
1. Attn. Accountants:
and The Number 23 Can Be Exchanged With Any Other Prime Number.
2. Roll A D100. On a 23, Murder A Hobo. *
3. Self-Flagellate. Congratulate. All Rotate.
Archive Today: As I start work on a new massive card game, here’s an old unplayable beta game I wrote:
Click to access Alphadice.pdf
The Squared Ouroboros, D’99 in The Frungs.
1. “Hey Everybody, Sure Is Hot, Huh?” –Tomorrow’s Mandatory Weather Small Talk Phrase That Pays.
2. Opposite Sex Day. Make of That What You Will.
3. “What Stereotypes Really Love is Cash, Cash, Cash.”-Jay Z and Some New Country Singer’s New Song.
Available at Runza and Now in Theaters.
A Bag of Warm, Viscous Fluid in A Cheep Plastic Microwave, Day ’98 in The Year of Fun.
1. ‘Sploytation Day. Pick a Trope and ‘Sploytate.
2. Soup Flavored Ice Cream for True Ice Cream Soup.
3. ‘Everybody Remembers A 140 Degree Day.’
—Stringer Bell in Hell.
’97 Bottles of Weird on The Wall, ’97 Days of Fun. YOFO.
or It Is What It Is.
2. Replace Head With TV For Next Gen Virtual ‘Life’.
3. “This Whipped Cream Is Best Served With Nipples”
—Uncle Al’s Alcohol Whipping Creamed Shooters.
Over The Boulder Hold Her Shoulder, Day 96, Yo MTV Fun Year!
1. It’s Three Minutes to Midnight, Do You Know Where Your Doomsday Clock Is?
2. I’m The Loni Anderson of Drinking. And You’re The Burt Reynolds of Drunks.
3. Under The Wire—My Life As A Pro Limbo Dancer by ‘Big Wheels’ Matt, Quadriplegic Limbo Champ, ’87-’93.
Huh? Whazzat? Oh, I’m still on vacation.