Speaking Double Dutch to a Real Double Duchess, Day 181, Get Happy in The Year of Declan.

1. Write Love Letter to The Ghost of Your 18-Year-Old Self. No Invisible Ink This Time.

2. How Come You Don’t See A Lot of That Hitler Font Used in Stuff These Days?
–Things I’d Say in 1997, As A Dick Kinda.

Geez Louie Louie Louise Back In the Wayback to 1985 for That Joke Much Francis?
-Me Seconds After 1997 Kinda Dick Guy.
It Never Ends.

3. This Just In From The Past:
(4-22-79) Brit Rocker Elvis Costello Loses Cooking Show After Use of Controversial White N-Word.
Premiering His New Song, Oliver’s Army, During A Segment of Waiting for the End of The Whored Peas, His Cooking Show, Costello Sang the Song as Recorded.
“I’d Rather Be Anywhere But Here,” Costello said.

Developing, More Tomorrow….


The Most Similar Opposite, Day 180 Deconstructing The Year of ‘Is This What You Call’ Fun.

1. “Businesses Highest Calling and Greatest Aspiration Should Always Be Incompetence. People Respect That.” Billy Gekko, Biz Guru, Author of Vice is No Vice and Soon to Be Forbes Man of The Year.

2. Dance Like A Eight-Bit Side-scrolling 80’s Video Game Villain Day.

3. Big Brother’s Lawyer (NBC): A Lawyer for Each of the Big Brother (CBS) Contestants Watch the Video Feed of the Show Competing to Win the Largest Settlement Before Being Kicked Out or Murdered by the Government.


Abandon All Plans! Nappy Nap Ahoy, Day 179 So Sleepy in The Year of Uh-Fuh.

1. Sew Knife Into Alex the Muppet’s Hand. Sing:

1, 2, 3, Let’s Free Daddy from The Big House.
Stab, Stab, Stab, Let’s Kill the Baddies and Not Grouse.
Count, Count, Count, The Iron Bars and All The Pigs Bloody Death.
Run, Run, Run, The Flashing Searchlights and Barking Dogs.
Cry, Cry, Cry, The Lonely Orphans and Juv-En-Ill De-Tent-Shun.

2. Brought to You by Lurching Momentum and All The Numbers Left Over.

3. I May Not Be Paul Rudd Daddin’ Out in This Pixies Shirt, But Your Baby Hates The Ramones.


What’s the Kim Deal? The Pixies have a new song out. Very 90’s Alterna-Rock in song and video and not necessarily in the good Pixies way.

Had a great and expansive comedy idea this morning, worked on it all day, only to fizzle as the tired grew. Let’s out sleep this burgeoning depression.
Tomorrow, the sausage will be made.


A High-Gravity O’Doul’s, Day 178 Chugging The Lug in The Beers of Fun.

1. Okay, Guess I Have to Throw Rocks at Paula Deen’s Head. –A Sociopath.

2. End at Least Three Sentences Today by Pausing for an Uncomfortable Period of Time and Then Saying, “…Yet.”

3. Not in MY Crappy First Sci-Fi Novel: *
Time Travel.
A Pill That Erases Memories.
Sexy Aliens.
Laser-Proof Vests.
JarJar Binks or Children.
Anyone Named Adam or Eve.
Names With Symbols or Names With No Vowels.
A Deus Ex Machine.
Villains With Accents.
Saving the World.
Unresolvable Paradoxes.
Evil Twins or Innocent Naifs.
Sashes or Pirate Iconography.
Some Bullshit Made-Up Language or Government Model.
Alien Sidekicks, Pets or Low-Level Henchmen.
Complete Breaks With Physics, Math, or Any of The Soft Sciences.
More Than 78 Plots.



Waiting for the Police to Break Up The Party in My Mind, Day 177 Pony-Kegged in The Year of Fun.

1. ‘Boy, This Place Sure Loves to Proudly Display the Federal Minimum Wage Poster.’ –Seventy Percent of Employees.

2. Celebrating 10 Years of Legalized Sodomy by Watching Supreme Court Santorum the Bed. (I’m Guessing Based on Well-Earned Supreme Court Cynicism. Hope to Be Wrong.)

3. Other Lesser Known Supreme Court Rulings:
Less Filling Wins in Tastes Great Vs. Less Filling.
Rich Guys Win in Rich Guys Vs. Anyone.
Ginsberg Wins in the Ginsberg Vs. The Stray Thomas Pubic Hair Case. (Hooray!)

Three days later, I still blubber like a baby reading or thinking about the last scene in this week’s Mad Men.
When (or do you) let your children in on your crazy?
Do they already know/understand?
Crazy, how hereditary is it?

Anyway, at the end of the day, all there is is try. Didn’t Yoda say that?


Inside The Upside-Down Pineapple Door, Day 176 Outside in The Year of Fun.

1. “Tomorrow, I’m going to try.”
–Three Hour Amoebas and High School Class Ring Salesmen Among Others.

2. If I Was a Shapeshifter, I Always Be an Adorable Puppy Because Who Doesn’t Love Puppies. You Can’t Steak a Puppy.–The Joke I Make Every True Blood.

3. Law & Order Summertime Tonight!: We Finally Meet Detective ‘Sidestep’ Joe After a Cameraman’s Death. Joe Has Been in Every Scene of Every Incarnation of Law & Order Since 1863, Just Two Inches Offscreen.

Not much to write today. Watched last Batman movie today, so whole day blown. Gotta say about Bane, guy knows how to recruit quality henchmen.


The Cute Cartoon Face of Hemorrhoids, Day 175, Rectal Leakage in The Year of Fun.

1. I’ll Do It Just as Soon as My Desire for an Early Heart Attack Supersedes My Hatred of Racism.–How I Covered Myself in Butter and Became A Paula Deeniac.

2. Capture, Raise and Mutate Zombie Master Ant into Man-Sized Zombie Master Ant.

3. Point and Scream at Everyone You Meet Today, “I’ve Forgiven You! I’ve Forgiven You!” Before Slamming a Door.

Second Monday in a row I’ve gotten Zero sleep and threw up when I got outta bed. I may be pregnant. Call a reality show.


Confusing Sound With Fury, Day 174 Signifying The Year of Fun.

1. Use Only Artistic Restraints to Make Mother Fucking Art. Don’t Recycle.

2. Baser Instincts: My Guide to World Peace by Me. (1992) —
Recently Thrown Out During My ‘Die Ayn Rand’ Book Purge.

3. How I’m Stopping Terrorism (And So Can You)*
Shop at Mall of America.
Stop Blowing Shit Up.
Don’t Call Terrorist Friends Both Abroad and Now at Home.
Pick Three Random People in Telephone Book. Narc on Them to Build Trust with Gub’ment.
Focused, Extended Crying.

*Blatant, Ugly Nod to Stephen Colbert.

“There’s nothing wrong with a bad idea.”–Neil Degrasse Tyson on scientists. Also true for some hack comedians, politicians, religious leaders. Not true for mom. At least scientists will throw out the bad ideas and move on. Also, not true for mom.

Big Summer Movie Update Today: Watched four older movies in two days.
Marvel’s The Avengers-Liked the dialog better than the action. Joss Whedon for ya. Actually, viewed through the Whedonverse lens, I counted 3 Xanders, 2 Buffys, a Spike, and sadly no Willows or Anyas.

More movie comments as I remember them.



The Bared Minimum, Day 173 Ankle-Skirting The Year of Fun.

1. Good News ‘People Who Go Outside’ And Vampires–Shorter Days Ahoy!

2. Hookup Gamma Ray Intensifier to Home Theater for Maximum Effect.

3. Animal Crackers: The Profane Language of Disillusioned Catholic Barnyard Critters. *

*Joke May Seem More Convoluted Upon Further Examination.


The Pocket-Sized Tesseract, Day 172 Exploding The Year of Fun.

1. Under the Ground: The Forgotten Athletes of Over the Top, My New Arm Wrestling Hagiography.

2. When I Grow Up I Wanna Grow Up to Be Paul Bartel from Rock and Roll High School.

3. Manic (93-)(SsSH)(4Good) — Gas Jockey Max Mannique, Two Weeks a Month, Overreaches and Solves Every Crime in Midvilleton He Physically Can. The Rest of the Month, Max Cries Alone in His Darkened Fortress of Deranged Thoughts.
Manic Became Temporarily Wealthy from His ‘Use Manic 4 Good’ T-Shirts (02-03), But Lost Fortune When He Burned His Amusement Park ‘Forced Fun’ to the Ground Chasing IroneeMan (SsSV(4Bad).

Summer Movie Season Today: Today starts the summer movie season I can afford. Last year’s blockbusters on premium cable! Today, Marvel’s The Avengers (I hear Joss Whedon directed it!) and soon, The Dark Knight Rises! I may set off leftover fireworks 30 minutes in, for excitement. On TV, all those cancelled shows I watched from December are back with new episodes, every Saturday night, to round out their exclusive run. Hello, 666 Park Ave. and goodbye, Zero Hour.

Hey Paula Deen, Matt Lauer is white, just over tanned sometimes.

From personal experience, I can tell you that 38 hours without sleep followed by 14 hours of sleep turns me from Carrie & her cork-board (Homeland) into Carrie & her ‘effin jazz.
Also, I can tell you from personal experience, I always compare my personal experiences to things in pop culture. Wait until the end of the post and the sadness reveals.


What’s the Emoticon for Malaise Again? Day 171 €~}?^ in The Year of Fun.

1. …But My Laptop Didn’t Even Fully Charge. — A New Measure of Time Meaning “I Didn’t Get Enough Sleep.”

2. Sometimes I Think You Think My Self-Deprecation is Really Your You-Deprecation.

3. Who Will Win This Year’s ‘Most Adorable Use of The N-Word’ at This Year’s Hidden Racist Award Ceremony?
Paula Deen.
Michael Richards. (Legacy)
Hidden Racist of The Year Winner Donald Trump’s Three Year Old Illegitimate Daughter Propecia Trump.
Betty White.

New Philosophy: I’m gunna go all Bob Benson on their ass.*

*I don’t mean ‘that way,’ but the other way.
Sorry for the Mad Men Spoiler.


Not Even Finding Hay in This Damn Haystack, Day 170 Rolling in The Year of Fun.

1. “You Only Need to Change Six Letters to Turn That J-O-B into a C-A-R-E-E-R.” — Failed Advice.

2. One Word Answer Day. Yep.

3. What The AMA is Calling A Disease These Days:
The Eroding Middle Class.
Some Physical Types of Cancer.
Metaphorical Cancer As it Relates to Donald Trump.
Stealing Bob’s Lunch Outta The Fridge.
Non-Imaginary Hypochondria.
The Swiss.

I’m done being everybody’s Frenemy.