Speaking Double Dutch to a Real Double Duchess, Day 181, Get Happy in The Year of Declan. 1. Write Love Letter to The Ghost of Your 18-Year-Old Self. No Invisible Ink This Time. 2. How Come You Don’t See A Lot of That Hitler Font Used in Stuff These Days? –Things I’d Say in 1997, As A Dick Kinda. Geez Louie Louie Louise Back In the Wayback to 1985 for That Joke Much Francis? -Me Seconds After 1997 Kinda Dick Guy. It Never Ends. 3. This Just In From The Past: (4-22-79) Brit Rocker Elvis Costello Loses Cooking Show After … Continue reading D181


The Most Similar Opposite, Day 180 Deconstructing The Year of ‘Is This What You Call’ Fun. 1. “Businesses Highest Calling and Greatest Aspiration Should Always Be Incompetence. People Respect That.” Billy Gekko, Biz Guru, Author of Vice is No Vice and Soon to Be Forbes Man of The Year. 2. Dance Like A Eight-Bit Side-scrolling 80’s Video Game Villain Day. 3. Big Brother’s Lawyer (NBC): A Lawyer for Each of the Big Brother (CBS) Contestants Watch the Video Feed of the Show Competing to Win the Largest Settlement Before Being Kicked Out or Murdered by the Government. Continue reading D180


Abandon All Plans! Nappy Nap Ahoy, Day 179 So Sleepy in The Year of Uh-Fuh. 1. Sew Knife Into Alex the Muppet’s Hand. Sing: 1, 2, 3, Let’s Free Daddy from The Big House. Stab, Stab, Stab, Let’s Kill the Baddies and Not Grouse. Count, Count, Count, The Iron Bars and All The Pigs Bloody Death. Run, Run, Run, The Flashing Searchlights and Barking Dogs. For-Ev-Er-Er-Er-Ev-Er-Er. Cry, Cry, Cry, The Lonely Orphans and Juv-En-Ill De-Tent-Shun. 2. Brought to You by Lurching Momentum and All The Numbers Left Over. 3. I May Not Be Paul Rudd Daddin’ Out in This Pixies … Continue reading D179


A High-Gravity O’Doul’s, Day 178 Chugging The Lug in The Beers of Fun. 1. Okay, Guess I Have to Throw Rocks at Paula Deen’s Head. –A Sociopath. 2. End at Least Three Sentences Today by Pausing for an Uncomfortable Period of Time and Then Saying, “…Yet.” 3. Not in MY Crappy First Sci-Fi Novel: * Time Travel. A Pill That Erases Memories. Sexy Aliens. Laser-Proof Vests. JarJar Binks or Children. Anyone Named Adam or Eve. Names With Symbols or Names With No Vowels. A Deus Ex Machine. Villains With Accents. Saving the World. Unresolvable Paradoxes. Evil Twins or Innocent Naifs. … Continue reading D178


Waiting for the Police to Break Up The Party in My Mind, Day 177 Pony-Kegged in The Year of Fun. 1. ‘Boy, This Place Sure Loves to Proudly Display the Federal Minimum Wage Poster.’ –Seventy Percent of Employees. 2. Celebrating 10 Years of Legalized Sodomy by Watching Supreme Court Santorum the Bed. (I’m Guessing Based on Well-Earned Supreme Court Cynicism. Hope to Be Wrong.) 3. Other Lesser Known Supreme Court Rulings: Less Filling Wins in Tastes Great Vs. Less Filling. Rich Guys Win in Rich Guys Vs. Anyone. Ginsberg Wins in the Ginsberg Vs. The Stray Thomas Pubic Hair Case. … Continue reading D177


Inside The Upside-Down Pineapple Door, Day 176 Outside in The Year of Fun. 1. “Tomorrow, I’m going to try.” –Three Hour Amoebas and High School Class Ring Salesmen Among Others. 2. If I Was a Shapeshifter, I Always Be an Adorable Puppy Because Who Doesn’t Love Puppies. You Can’t Steak a Puppy.–The Joke I Make Every True Blood. 3. Law & Order Summertime Tonight!: We Finally Meet Detective ‘Sidestep’ Joe After a Cameraman’s Death. Joe Has Been in Every Scene of Every Incarnation of Law & Order Since 1863, Just Two Inches Offscreen. Not much to write today. Watched last … Continue reading D176


The Cute Cartoon Face of Hemorrhoids, Day 175, Rectal Leakage in The Year of Fun. 1. I’ll Do It Just as Soon as My Desire for an Early Heart Attack Supersedes My Hatred of Racism.–How I Covered Myself in Butter and Became A Paula Deeniac. 2. Capture, Raise and Mutate Zombie Master Ant into Man-Sized Zombie Master Ant. 3. Point and Scream at Everyone You Meet Today, “I’ve Forgiven You! I’ve Forgiven You!” Before Slamming a Door. Second Monday in a row I’ve gotten Zero sleep and threw up when I got outta bed. I may be pregnant. Call a … Continue reading D175


Confusing Sound With Fury, Day 174 Signifying The Year of Fun. 1. Use Only Artistic Restraints to Make Mother Fucking Art. Don’t Recycle. 2. Baser Instincts: My Guide to World Peace by Me. (1992) — Recently Thrown Out During My ‘Die Ayn Rand’ Book Purge. 3. How I’m Stopping Terrorism (And So Can You)* Shop at Mall of America. Stop Blowing Shit Up. Don’t Call Terrorist Friends Both Abroad and Now at Home. Pick Three Random People in Telephone Book. Narc on Them to Build Trust with Gub’ment. Focused, Extended Crying. *Blatant, Ugly Nod to Stephen Colbert. “There’s nothing wrong … Continue reading D174


The Bared Minimum, Day 173 Ankle-Skirting The Year of Fun. 1. Good News ‘People Who Go Outside’ And Vampires–Shorter Days Ahoy! 2. Hookup Gamma Ray Intensifier to Home Theater for Maximum Effect. 3. Animal Crackers: The Profane Language of Disillusioned Catholic Barnyard Critters. * *Joke May Seem More Convoluted Upon Further Examination. Continue reading D173


The Pocket-Sized Tesseract, Day 172 Exploding The Year of Fun. 1. Under the Ground: The Forgotten Athletes of Over the Top, My New Arm Wrestling Hagiography. 2. When I Grow Up I Wanna Grow Up to Be Paul Bartel from Rock and Roll High School. 3. Manic (93-)(SsSH)(4Good) — Gas Jockey Max Mannique, Two Weeks a Month, Overreaches and Solves Every Crime in Midvilleton He Physically Can. The Rest of the Month, Max Cries Alone in His Darkened Fortress of Deranged Thoughts. Manic Became Temporarily Wealthy from His ‘Use Manic 4 Good’ T-Shirts (02-03), But Lost Fortune When He Burned … Continue reading D172