The 2,000 Year Old Intern, Day 168, Formally, Subserviently in The Year of Fun.

1. Cry-O-Jen-Ic Sleep–A Great Night’s Sleep After Crying Out Over Jenny.

2. The Phrase ‘A-Meme-Ber Me?!?’ Over A Picture of Buckwheat. Internet Go!*

3. Bam Boo (’74-) (SsSH) (4th Good): Vietnam Vet Bill Bam Developed Slowly Regenerating Bamboo Claws Under Fingernails After Vietnam Knuckle Torture Mishap.
Currently, The U.S. Senator (SsSH-VA) is Mostly Used to Knock Cans Off Tall Shelfs.

I’m your number one bitch!–That naked lady on True Blood.

Dear Spring and Fall,
I miss you. Please come back. And stay forever.

Slept all day, sick. Father’s Day Comedown. Daniel Dennett recently defined, as I understand it, the brain’s purpose is to generate expected outcomes in your environment and manage expectations and adapt ongoing info. Combine that with, if @facthive is correct, we have 70,000 thoughts a day. That’s a lot of expectations or whatnot. As Maria Bamford calls it, her ‘Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome,’ run for me at about 20%, so 14,000 a day.

*I’m about 99% sure this idea has probably already been done without even checking.


At Least There’s Coupons, Day 167, Short-Sheeting iTYoF.

1. Become NSA Agent to Learn More About Family.

2. Keep Scaling Back Dreams/Expectations Until They Fit into a Coffin.

3. Build Cheap Air-Conditioning Closet (plastic sheeting) Attachment for Poor (me) to Hook to Window AC (fan).

Surprisingly hard, although not unexpected, Father’s Day Depression.



Feeding Babies Pickles, Day 166, Sour-faced iTYoF.

1. Everybody Knows It, Bluejays Are The Dicks of The Bird World.

2. I Think if Jesus Just Would’ve Talked to That Snake, Things Woulda Been Different.

3. The Stealther (’73-) (SsSV) (D-Evil)–Scientist Steve Steahler Terrorized Midvilleton Using His 100x100Ft. Invisible Suit.
Defeated by Puffter’s (SsSH) (B-Good) Powder Bomb (’89).
Currently Serving in Parkham’s Asylatorium.


Slicing Up Flyballs, Day 165, Debasing The Year of Fun.

1. C’mon Guys, Lay Off Aquaman Already.

2. Flipsey & Flopsey, Patron Bunny Saints of Asphalt-Scarred Feet.

3. Invite List to My Pre/Post Apocalypse Party:
Todd Bridges.
Corpse of McLean Stevenson.
42 Basset Hounds.
Shelley Fabre.
Jodi Foster from The Panic Room.
Jessie Eisenberg.
Simon Pegg.
The Walmart Rich Kids.
And All My Comedy ShowBiz Friends.

Spanguage is a virus from outer space. — Senior Jose Es Burroughs.


Working on a Mystery Without Any Blues Clues, Day 164 Greenscreening The Year of Fun.

1. Photoshop Random Wedding Photos to Add Giant Versions of the ‘Love Is…’ Kids Terrorizing The Wedding Party in Background.

2. Get New Chain and Hook for New Round of Real Life ‘Off The..”

3. Never Get into a Car With a Woman Who Names Her Boobs Thelma and Louise.

“I am not the one who waits for the knock, I am the one who knocks.”–My car.


Waiting for The Government to Call, Day 163 Hair Twirling in The Year of Fun.

1. Rejigger DNA to Eliminate Itching, Dandruff.

2. Follow Spam Upstream as They Hatch into The Old Polluted Data Stream.

3. Phrases I Added to Signs at The Zoo Under Animal Diet:
Obnoxious Little Brothers.
Girl Fingers.
His Neighbor.
Only Virgins.
(Various Popular Kid Names)

Tony the Tiger Loves Tyler the Toddler.


The Late Night Fourth Meal of Regret, Day 160 Gulping Down The Year of Fun.

1. Get Mail Forwarded to The New Normal. Use Forever Stamps.

2. “I Just Don’t Believe The White Man Would Read Our Smoke Signals.” –Indians, 1832.

3. New Comedian Catch Phrases. Take One, Leave One.

“Well, Don’t That Just Itch My Taint.”

“And I Was Like Woah. (Pause)…And Then, Ahhhhhhhh!”

(Slowly) “Sup-Er-Cal-I-Frag-A-Licious.”

“Bam Bam, Right? Bam. B-A-M.”

“Google It. Bing It. Ahhhhh, Screw It.”

“Hey, My Peeples. What. Is. Up?”

“Just Another Day for Flappy Jack, The Hyper Flatulent Clown…” (Sobbing)

No Guarantees of Comedic Efficacy. No Refunds. Not A Professional Comedian. Go Away. Shoe!

Happy Centennial Post, Everyone! (Base 16)


Turning It Around on Toddlers and Asking Them Why, Day 159, Throwing Applesauce in The Year of Fun.

1. Initiate Werewolf Restraint Program for That Time of The Month.

2. Contemplato–Marvel’s Newest Superhero. He Can Stop Time. However, Only The Mind Works in Stopped Time, Allowing Heroes and Villains Time to Think, But No Action. Lots of Two-Page Text-Ridden Contemplation.

3. Today’s Words of Wisdom:
“To Fully Engender Empathy Toward Others, One Must Fully Examine Their Own Shortcomings and Failings.”–Adolph Hitler.


Bringing a Portable Hairdryer to Melt the Glaciers in My Heart, Day 158, Happy Feet in The Year of Fun.

1. Get Noble Peace Prize for Not Saying That Joke.

2. Get New Rascal Scooter for My End-of-Life Crisis.

3. Soon, Clothes Will Be Manufactured Flatter to Appeal to the Increasing Number of Online Shoppers Who Are Slowly Losing Their Depth Perception. #intheyear2000

Depression Today: Ladies may get a monthly visit from Aunt Flo, but for me Crazy Suicidal Uncle Al shows up once a month for a couple of days. I’m PDS-ing. Perennial Depression Syndrome, I Call It. It’s fun trying to think of reasons not to end it all for a few days every month. (Yes, sarcasm) Then he leaves and the crazy thoughts…fade. Just ride it out.
Don’tcha think the concept of free will is kinda funny as well? Or at least outdated.
They say Time heals all wounds. They also say Time will kill all of us eventually, so enjoy the short-term victories while they last, I say.
Oh, also when Uncle Al leaves, like all good parties, it ends in vomit.