K. Kenny Kane

From the Digizine Harper’s Plus, January 3rd, 2050, The Harper’s Index:

The Many Lives of K. Kenny Kane The Partial Index

Known as Mr. Memory, K. Kenny Kane is a Mentalist, Billionaire and Philathapist. His new book The Many Lives of K. Kenny Kane makes some incredible claims rendering them in excruciating and believable detail. At over three million pages, Kane’s story is engrossing, even though no one in the office is even halfway finished reading this epic.

Claim #1:

Kane claims he’s lived 9,861 lives, exactly. Born on January 1st, 2000, Kane says he first died on August 30th, 2075, when the world ended. He then woke up, resurrected, on January 1st, 2020. He then died again, at different ages, 9,860 more times, always returning to January 1, 2020. He expects to return after he dies, here on Earth number 9,860 to a new earth respawned exactly to January 1st, 2020. In our short interview for this article, we suggested he kill Donald Trump, he says he has, hundreds of times, but the world still ends, always before his hundredth birthday.

Claim #2:

Each time Kane wakes up on January 1st, 2020, he has a different superpower. Some grand, some dumb. From flight to incredible strength to the ability to make a fine water mist over a square block. They’re different every time. He says in this lifetime, he has photographic memory of all of his past lives and has spent the last thirty years writing this book in the hopes to chronicle his many lives.

Claim #3:

He wants to stop the end of the world. And says only we as a society can do it. Kane says the world ends at North Koreas’s hands in 2075. If They’re stopped, China in 2082, then US in 2085, Russia in 2093, Iran in 2095, Pakistan in 2097, and France in 2099. Kane has never lived past 100 years old.

In a freewheeling hour-long interview, Kane talks about his many superpowers, the resistance to his superpowers, wisdom attained from many lives lived and some numbers for the Harper’s Index. Here’s an excerpt:

Why do you think this is happening?

Kane: I don’t know. For the longest time, I assumed this world is a simulation, like The Matrix’s Copper Tops, so I did whatever I wanted. or like Groundhog’s Day. I thought I had to live a perfect life. A perfect life is hard. Then I thought I’m in some experience, a prison experience, by alien overlords like in Billy’s Long Day, there to grade my choices. Even when I was ‘Right Choice’ Man and every choice I made was the correct one, the amount of choices in a eighty-year-old life is near infinite. ‘Math Man’ calculated it at one quadrillionth to the 10th power. Or maybe God’s a dick and this is either Heaven or Hell, hard to know.

How do the superpowers work? Don’t they break physics?

Kane: Short answer yes, long answer no. Sort of. Each superpower is, at its core, based on turning matter into energy in the most effective and weird manner possible, sometimes its changing energy back into different matter like when I have a shapeshifting power. What this means to me mostly is I have to eat a TON of food to create the energy to even use most superpowers. On most earths, I own a chain of carb-based buffet restaurants. The energy-matter machine breaks physics because it’s a near perfect energy machine.

So, Why You?

Kane: I didn’t even realize I had a superpower on my first go round. About three lives in, I figured out my superpower was the ability to eat anything because I once ate a handful of gravel on a dare and didn’t get sick. I don’t know. As a joke, after a Marvel marathon on my twentieth birthday, I wished I had all the superpowers. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

What was the best/worst superpower?

Kane: The worst was Flame-O. I burned down my apartment and died of smoke inhalation in two days. What a dumb superpower. The best was The Fantastic Orgasm. My penis could make anyone have their greatest orgasm ever. A porn star’s life is the best. No world was saved that earth.

Why write the book if earth is going to end in 50 years?

Kane: Because maybe if everyone reads it or believes it, they can stop the world from ending. Not just me. I can’t do it alone, I’ve tried. It’s probably too late because of climate change, but I wanted to make a record, even if that record will be gone when I die.

The Harper’s Index:

Number of times Kane has been married (to a woman): 13,547

Number of time Kane has been married (to a man): 245

Number of times Kane has been married (To a dog): 7

Number of divorces: 6,845 (No dog divorces)

Number of years as president: 1,137

Number of years in jail: 735 (907 jailbreaks)

Times Murdered: 4, 777

Times Committed Suicide: 1,065

Number of world leaders, past, present and future, murdered by Kane in his Policy By Assassination Program: All (Some in the hundreds)

Number of TV Shows about his life: 448

Number of kittens saved in trees: 10,643

Number of times Kane has fallen in love: 6

Here’s a random selection of some of Kane’s Superhero/Villiian Aliases: The Baby Face, Balloon Man, Average Man (He can do EVERYTHING, averagely) Death Hands, Iron Hands, The Eyebrow, Boneless, The Translator, The Iguana, Teapot, The 5-Second Psychic, Mongoloid, Midas, Poison Finger, Kaleidoscope, Charmer, The Thespian, Captain Bunny, Clown Colossus, Petey Pinhead, Gary the Gollum, Teen Exterminator, Captain Justice, Half-Man, Dr. Dracula, The Dude, Snakeskin, The Transexual Transformer, Mutonto, The Toy, The Leporous Fiend Lepur, The Archetect Art Vandelay, Hydroboy, Mr. Night, The Crack Crusader, The Rock Eater, The Murder Puppets, Mr. Inside-Out, Clarinetto, Willie The Reefer, Cry-Baby, The Sniffler, Wood Pile, Were-Whale, Oooog, Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man, Steel Jaw, Larry the Leaper, The Eyes of Fate, Cesspool, Plasticine, The Piranha, Coco The Man-Ape, Sweet Jumping Jesus, The Warden, The Laz-E-Boy, Reflectron, The Mod Hyena, Frankenstein’s Mistress, Bealzablob, The Uber Mensch, Mr. Inconsequential, Strychnine, Phantasa-Mon, The Scarlet Scarab, Stilts, U-G-L-Y (He ain’t got no alibi), The Screamer, Hammertoe, The Black Teen, Captain Lawgiver, The Desert Cactus, General Bong, Blankface, Ghetto-Blaster, Three Heads, The Fantastic Orgasm, Fuhrer Lad, The Hurdy-Gurdy Man, Tapeworm,  Roach Herder, The Coffin Nail, Snowflake, Starstorm, The Swarm, Sexy Sasquash, 911, The Atomoton, Dwarf Chucker, Bozo the Crone, Commander Tootsie, The Lie Detector, Gay Radar, Professor Hormone, The Blow-up Doll, Floating Eye, The Fucking Comedian, Ghost Posse, Torso Man, The Iron Tibia, Good ’N Plenty, Roo The Kanga, Eterno, Mini-Satan, The Mad Shitter, Madam Mortality, Flame-O, Major Moon, Sleepy Joe, Transportation Tim, Telepathic Tim, Transustanciation Tim, Tinier Tim, Time Tim, The Great Timothy, Professor Superbrain, Ray of Sunshine, The Red Beetle, The Psychotronic Pony, Maxitaur, The Love Count, The Mysterious Vagabond, Brain-O, The Chicken-Necked Geek, Beast B’Wana, Senior Science, Crab Legs, The Flying Saucer, AK-69, The Miracle Mile, Morouse Man, The Throbbing Muscle, Nutriciousino, The Unknown, Pow-Pow Man, Miss Voodoo, The Mole Rat, Holo-Guy, The Human Fly, Morlock 1999, The Squirrel, Straw Man, Thunder Rabbit, and Cock Block. To name a few.