Evilspeak (1982)

Premiered August 22, 1982

Last week, on my week-long vacation, I did nuthin. Well, that’s not true, I did catch up on some Joe Bob Briggs movies and commentary on Shudder. This movie holds a special place in my heart. Back in Blockbuster days, I would always pick Evilspeak to watch, based on the awesome cover. But by the time I picked ten other movies, Evilspeak would get cut. And later, it sat on the DVR until I deleted it for space. Not really sure why.

I’m glad I waited because the Joe Bob commentary made me like the movie better. It’s harder to hate something when you learn how much work went into the project. Joe Bob interviewed Clint Howard, the lead and Better Howard Brother. Unlike most mass media interviews, the talk wasn’t really promotional, but focused on the struggle of how the movie got made.

Ok, Evilspeak is about a bullied Military Cadet (Howard) who finds a portal to Satan. He then gets revenge on the bullies. Pretty basic. Man, the stereotype is true: Satanists are big technophiles. Howard uses an Apple 2E to contact the underworld. And it’s a great program. If only the Catholics had a similar computer program, they could be diddling twice the number of boys today. The program was situation-aware, even when the computer was off, it still offered suggestions. Although, you know how phone-dialing in old movies stops the momentum dead, Howard spends ten minutes setting up the evil computer. Also, there’s a Satanic worship area in the basement of the Military Academy, is that a thing?

An average, but watchable, horror movie, Clint Howard is the reason to watch. More subtle than his later work like Ice Cream Man.


Lick The Toad

Whoa, dude.

Bong rip.

What, dude, what ‘whoa dude?’

Holds breath, mmck, mcck, cck, k.

Not again, not this dumb….

Coughs out,

What if we’re all just living, cough, cough,. 

What if we’re all just living inside the fingernail of some dumb God. 

Cough, yea, yea that. I mean, think about it.

I’ve thought about it, Everytime we get stoned, I think about it. Every stoned person has thought about in every dorm room in every college everywhere has thought about it.

Yea, but have you really thought about it? I mean really, really thought about it? Really, really thought about it, I mean, think about it. Pass me that toad, I think I’ve worked it out.

Henry takes a long lick off the dead Psychadelic toad’s belly, passes the toad back to M.

Ok, ok, ok. here we go. God is the whole universe. The universe IS God. We’re all connected. We’re all star dust. Star fucking dust. I am you you are me and we are all together. Ob-La-Dee, Ob-La-Da. Ob-La Fucking Da. Star dust. So, so, so. think small. Think really small. Each atom inside us is actually a subset of God. God’s atoms are actually you and me and auntie Lou. I am actually one of God’s atoms, a singular atom, Uno atomento, independant on my own, free, but connected, connected, living inside God as one of God’s atoms. That kinda makes me. And you. And auntie Lou—-God. Think about it, God. Me. You. Auntie Lou. Unca Joe. Come on over, Let ‘em in. Ok, Ok, Ok, but where do we live. I mean we have to live somewhere, right? Right? Why not the fingernail? The fingernail has atoms, we ARE an atom. So let’s all live in the fingernail. Why not, huh? I mean it could be the fingernail or the spleen or the kidney or the, mmck, mmck, mmmck, mcck, or the weiner. Yea, think about it, we’re all atoms in God’s jizz bag. Deep shit man. Deeeeep shit.

God doesn’t have a penis.

What no, how does he pee? God doesn’t pee sitting down. God stands to pee. All Gods stand to pee. He’s not a submissive.

No, God’s genderless.

God’s not androgynous. God masturbates and shoots his star stuff all over the universe. Creating planets and stuff. That’s how it works. My God fucks Mother Nature like a champion. Like a champ.

I thought God was the universe.

Yea, yea, yea, you never shot a load on your belly, c’mon, man. We’re getting off track. Focus, M, focus. Each of us is an atom, a singular atom hanging out in God’s fingernail, just chilling, doing our thing. But get this, get this, we’re MADE UP OF ATOMS. There’s atoms inside of us, lots of them. And there’s atoms in our fingernails. Our fingernails have atoms. And, get this, get this, each of those atoms IS a little dude or lady. So we are the universe to our fingernail. I am the universe. You are the universe. We are the universe. Inside another universe. Wait, wait, wait, There’s little dudes and ladies hanging out in my ball sack and later tonight, they’re gonna take a trip to my belly. Get ready dudes. Get ready. But wait, wait, that means the little dudes inside my ball sack also have little dudes inside their ball sack. And so on. And so on. And so on. What that means is I’m filled with Gods who’s filled with Gods whos, you got it, filled with Gods. Blows your mind doesn’t it?

The ground shook, the sky opened up and it began to rain toads.

Whoa, dude, God heard me. Sorry, God, I won’t make fun of your ball sack anymore. I’m sorry, hide, M, hide, it’s the wrath of God. 

Henry and M ran underneath a giant plastic palm tree and coiled their tails around their bodies to make themselves as small as possible.

Charlie had homework to do, but he really wanted to play video games, but first, his mom wanted him to feed his pet lizardmen.