America’s Plastic Porn Police Praying Forgiveness

A Sestina. Big tits. Juicy booty. Tramp stamp. Nipples that look past you. America. A body that won’t quit, can’t quit, unionized, tenured, no health care, plastic. Tiny Asian. Milf. Foot. Toes. House. Lawn. Car. BMOC. POC. BYOB. SML. Porn. Beating, pounding, pleading, blood-pumping, pulsing, vibrating, blinding police. Why. Why. Why. No. No. No. I try to breathe. Breathing is nice. I won’t quit. I can’t breathe, praying. I’ll do anything. I’ll say anything. I’ll be anything. What do you want me to be? Forgiveness. Forgiveness of thought. Forgiveness of action. Forgiveness for the future, just forgiveness. The luckless ambition … Continue reading America’s Plastic Porn Police Praying Forgiveness

Pop (First Draft)

This is sadly, a fictional story. On January First, 2022, at noon Eastern time exactly, Space Man and Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ head exploded. And on January Second, 2022, at noon Eastern time exactly, Tesla CEO, Uberbro and Joe Rogan’s best friend Elon Musk’s head exploded. And on January Third, 2022, at noon Eastern time exactly, Luxury Goods Huckster and Art Whore Bernard Arnault’s head exploded. And, as Kurt Vonnegut would say, “And so it goes.” A blood piñata, that’s how Bezos’ personal assistant Ann Hyatt described the explosion. “One second, Mr. Bezos is fine. The next second, I’m covered … Continue reading Pop (First Draft)

Lick The Toad

Whoa, dude. Bong rip. What, dude, what ‘whoa dude?’ Holds breath, mmck, mcck, cck, k. Not again, not this dumb…. Coughs out, What if we’re all just living, cough, cough,.  What if we’re all just living inside the fingernail of some dumb God.  Cough, yea, yea that. I mean, think about it. I’ve thought about it, Everytime we get stoned, I think about it. Every stoned person has thought about in every dorm room in every college everywhere has thought about it. Yea, but have you really thought about it? I mean really, really thought about it? Really, really thought … Continue reading Lick The Toad

…Might As Well

“He was an Ordinary Guy, until Lately,” —-The Dream Syndicate, Until Lately. 1. The Ghost inside Harold was stirring his foot like a soup ladle over the bridge railing. If he’d been at his black void job, the Ghost inside Harold would be obsessively clicking his pen. If he’d been driving, the Ghost inside Harold would be air drumming the steering wheel to White Stripes. If he was with his girlfriend, The Ghost inside Harold would be blankly staring at a TV while she complained about her own black void job. But he wasn’t. Harold, naked, cupped his balls, scrotum … Continue reading …Might As Well

K. Kenny Kane

From the Digizine Harper’s Plus, January 3rd, 2050, The Harper’s Index: The Many Lives of K. Kenny Kane The Partial Index Known as Mr. Memory, K. Kenny Kane is a Mentalist, Billionaire and Philathapist. His new book The Many Lives of K. Kenny Kane makes some incredible claims rendering them in excruciating and believable detail. At over three million pages, Kane’s story is engrossing, even though no one in the office is even halfway finished reading this epic. Claim #1: Kane claims he’s lived 9,861 lives, exactly. Born on January 1st, 2000, Kane says he first died on August 30th, … Continue reading K. Kenny Kane

The Dumbest Apocalypse

It’s often been said that the world would end not with a bang, but with a whimper. But the smart money’s always said, the world would end neither with a bang nor a whimper, but with an “Oops.” As in “Oops,  I dropped that petrie dish of the black plague.” Or “Oops, I set my Diet Coke can on the nuclear button.” Or “Oops, I had sex with that monkey.” However, in this case, in this apocalypse, the dumbest apocalypse, started with the phrase….Wait a minute, let’s not, so to speak, give away the goat just yet, we’ll get to … Continue reading The Dumbest Apocalypse

The Change

For the time capsule to be opened in 100 years from this date August 30, 2040. Submitted by Jym Branson, age 47. We should’ve listened to the frogs in the 1990’s. Scientists of the time noticed that some frogs in the upper midwest were changing genders from classic male to classic female. They attributed this change to large levels of estrogen in the water due to plastic pollution. No one paid attention and just thought it was a weird anomaly. Until it happened to us. On August 30, 2020, the first case of The Change was diagnosed. A week later, … Continue reading The Change

Saturday Night

Okay, here’s how lonely I am. Saturday night, another Saturday night of spaghetti and Law and Order on A&E. No big.  The phone rings.  “Hello.” Long pause. I can hear WWE wrestling in the distance. “Helllooooo. Who ‘s there? Hellooooo.” Belabored breathing on the other end. Then intentional belabored breathing. Why did I even pick up the phone? Fucking reflex. Fucking childhood reflex. Who even answers the phone anymore? Who even has a landline? Lonely people, that’s who.  Continued heavy breathing. “Like wrestling, huh?”  Pause in breathing. “Well, I’m watching Law and Order, yea, I’ve seen it. It’s comfort food. … Continue reading Saturday Night


What I Love by me, Tony, The Blind Guy Before we begin, I HAAATE the term, the descriptor ‘The Blind G/uy.’Every time I meet new people I overhear one idiot tell the other, ‘Here comes Tony, the BLIND guy’. It’s never ‘Here comes Tony, the jaunty ginger with the gorgeous curls.’ or Here’s Tony—-Shins of steel!’ Or ‘Here comes Tony, the guy with the enormous penis’ or ‘Here comes Tony, he beat up Larry the Cable Guy in a bar fight.’ Well, one could hope. Anyhoo, What I Love by me, Tony, the guy who kicked Larry the Cable Guy’s … Continue reading Tony

St. Pepe’s

Monday, 2:30pm A recap.[Static Noise] Shadowy men in unmarked vans stole zombies off the street in Portland last night…A senator retweeted a picture of him and a newly dead zombie, but get this, it was the wrong dead zombie, people are pissed… America’s zombies are marching again for the thirtieth straight night, the national guard is being sent in to the top 20 American cities…Only Saudi Arabia and Russia are allowing Americans into their countries after a UN resolution to limit American zombies… The president tweets an ad for baked beans and say all the zombie problems are a hoax … Continue reading St. Pepe’s