The Guy with The 131 Pound Scrotum, Day 232, So Close in The Year of Fun.
1. The Joke You Told When You Were Eight Day.
2. That Character is Totally Like Me. — Watching Downfall or 101 Dalmatians.
3. The Tragedy Channel — Depressing Shows about Horrific Tragedies That All End with the Tagline: See You’ve Got Nuthin’ to Complain About, Sad Sack, So Go Outside and Cheer Up, Ya Big Watery Pile of Shit. (Read by The Only Surviving Character.)
Better Than Nutraloaf, Day 231, Fine Dining in The Year of Fun.
1. Change The Day’s Noise/Quiet Ratio from 19:1 to 18:1.
2. Multi-Tasking Entertainment Matching Service. What to Watch When Listening to Podcasts. What to Play While Watching TV and Listening to Podcasts. Your ‘During Sex’ Entertainment Opportunities. Sleep Cram Netflix.
3. When Stuck in a ‘What If Scenario,’ Add One of These ‘What If’s’
— What If My Neighbor Was a Serial Killer Who Killed with Kindness?
— What If I Didn’t Eat at Long John Silvers?
— What If All These What If Scenarios Polluting My Thoughts Were Buried at a Secret Mars Base on The Moon?
Don’t forget, only a few more weeks left in underwear and running shoes season.
Consistently Knowing Less Each Year Since 1987, Day 229, Grasping and Squinting in The Year of Fun.
1. Nobody’s The Loser in This Smiling Contest! — Me, Tired And Slightly Manic. *
2. Pour One Out for All the Forgotten Jokes, Missed Opportunities and Awkward Misunderstandings of the Day. Tomorrow, My Frenemies. Tomorrow.
3. Seriously, Just Make Stuff Up About That Book You Read. Nobody Will Check and Nobody Cares. — How We’ll Be Perceived As Smart as Prescribed in the New Book ‘Nobody’s The Loser in This Smiling Contest.’
* Although, That Baby Definitely Won That Smiling Contest By A Wide (Wait for It) Smile.
Too Hard to Roll That Way Anymore, Day 227, Blockheads in The Year of Fun.
1. Also, Admit Area 51 Exists.
2. Use Real Crow in Your Humble Pie for Sincerity and Delicious Crow Taste.
3. The Uncooker. It Uncooks. Hey, This Tuna Casserole is Burnt Like a Pile of Roofing Tiles. Uncook It. Uncook It? Yeah, Put It in Here, Like This, Rotate and (Bing) Uncook It.! Ooooooooohhh. Now This Tuna is Fresh Like Flipper. Uncook It. No More Unintentional Cajun Cuisine. Uncook It First. — An Infomercial from The Future.
This is Not the Hemma-Roid You Were Looking For, Day 226/35th Anniversary of That Joke in The Year of Fun.
1. With the Implementation of Widespread Public Toilet Facilities, Society Learned to Hone it’s Collective Cognitive Dissonance Skills toward the Physical. — From The Cognitive Dissident’s Guide to Getting Through the Day, Hygenics.
2. Pick Tonight’s Entertainment Based Solely on the Interest Level of the Entertainment, Not on Ambition.
3. Gen X Geezers (CNBC) — Guys My Age Reminisce About The P.I. (Pre-Internet) Age. Sponsored by Cialis and Rockabilly.
Drinking Different On-Sale Beers As A Way to Feel Wealthy, Day 224, Not an Alcoholic in the Year of Fun.
1. Turns Out There’s a Whole Buttload of I’s in Team. A Team’s Worth.
3. On Key Ring:
Keys to My Heart, House, Old House, Dignity, Old Car, Sanity, 8th Grade Locker, Bike Lock, Sexuality, Common Sense, A Small Nebraska Town, Car Trunk, Shed (Storage), Shed (Evil Going-ons), Work, Teeth Picking.
Pop Culture Today: Watched The Fall (BBC/Netflix) with Gillian Anderson. In the same headspace as Top of the Lake, but with split focus paralleling the killer and detective. Very dark. So, what’s next Broadchurch? The spiritual heir to The Red Riding Trilogy.
I think the ladies of Orange is the New Black have more fun at work than I do. Also, more heartbreak.
1. “Wow, Even These Toilet Roll Instructions Sound Fancy in French. Such a Romantic Lang-Wa-Franca.” — Guy from Midwest, Not Pooping.
2. While I Liked the Writing in Red Dead Redemption Better, LA Noire had Better Acting. — Me, Outdated.
3. Ways I Could Never Be A Serial Killer Like the Ones on TeeVee:
Can’t Afford Rental on Second Location,
Need at Least Seven Uninterrupted Hours of Sleep Every Single Night,
Can’t Tie Secure Knots,
Not Really Much of a Good Liar,
Not Handsome Enough,
Hard Time Compartmentalizing,
Abhor the Killing or Harming of Other People by Me or Anyone Like All Non-Serial Killers Humans.
Nostalgia Today: Magic the Gathering World Tournaments on ESPN2.
All about me, on a Sunday no less. Happy Breaking Bad!